I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
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I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes