Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
You Might Also Like
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Challenge accepted.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Expect the unexporcupine.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.