The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.