I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
The days of good grammer has went
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.