My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Owl Sanctuary
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf