Reporter: *ports again*
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Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
This classic never gets old . . .
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen