*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.