if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok