an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
You Might Also Like
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record