judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.