me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
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Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Sorry. Not sorry
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
work smarter, not harder
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.