[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.