My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
The Sun
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in