My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
shut up and take my money
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.