Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison