You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
You Might Also Like
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
😂💯
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
No laws when master is gone
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.