me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse