I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Sing it!
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what