[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.