You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
this country is so goddamn polarized
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Squirrels before girls.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
so i’m at the stock market right
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.