Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder