guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.