If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds