Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
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why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
why am I working on Labor Day
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential