With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy