Which wines pair best with gloating?
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not