Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
This meeting could have been a cake
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I triple waxed for this?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.