I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Meowchelangelo
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.