prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Harsh but fair
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.