My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Sponch
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Does your wife know you’re single?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!