If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
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In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz