I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*