There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
You Might Also Like
So that’s what we looked like?
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.