Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Breaking news:
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.