roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
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Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Stonehinge
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”