Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Saw online –
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.