“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch