Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.