Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
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fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious