food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”