processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
You Might Also Like
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up