me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back