The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.