Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.