Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
You Might Also Like
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
selena gomez
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
being a writer on Twitter:
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I come from a time of excessive Durans.