Meanwhile in Portland…
You Might Also Like
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.