after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Meow
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
🛁
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.