This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.