when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver