When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
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[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol